One night when I was driving the Limo of Jesus (part time job hacking around a full-time Savior, but hey, J-Man bought the drinks) We ended up on this sordid back road that was more suited to Hiroshima circa BOOMtime, but We went on and on over the potholes, heading toward Our appointment in Vegas.

One of those potholes? It took out BOTH left-side tires. Mother-effer, you know?

But We got them changed. Well, Jesus did. I kinda just helped Him scrub the grease off His hands.

It was while We were tightening the lugs on the rear left that the wolves came, three of them, obviously not just wolf but more something other-than-wolf,-which-was-super-nasty. I mean, I shit myself. No really. I did. (Jesus helped me clean it later, one of those quick hand-wave things.)

They moved in, moved in, on me and Jesus there greasy and sweaty by the back driver's side tire. Oh, did I mention it was July in New Jersey? Yeah, it was -- we're talking 'not comfy' okay?

The wolves, they all pounced as one, an incredible Unity of Killing Mantra, real UKM, and had Us dead to rights, indeed. Except that, Jesus, after mumbling to them during the entire confrontation -- and going IGNORED by them of course (dude, don't ignore Jesus if He's like actually right there talking to you) -- well, He got a bit pissed that the philosophy of peace and love wasn't doing anything so, BAM, I'm like nailed in the side of the head by a pineapple.

Yeah, Jesus turned them into pineapples. Well, two of them. One He turned into a Granny Smith Apple. Big Humor that there Him Jesus, oh yeah.

So, the tires are all better, We're driving along, and I ask Jesus, there in the backseat but with the smoked glass divider down and handing me a glass of Brut, so why did You turn them into pineapples and an apple? And He says, 'An apple a day keeps God away.' like He's all clever or something.

Jesus. He thinks He's so damned funny.

Course, He's telling me this while He's eating the Granny Smith.

That Jesus. Such a Card.

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