The Ultimate Presidential Speech

"Now that I have been elected, I vow to turn America back into the America everyone was happy to believe in! The day I enter the White House, I plan to bang my wife on the desk in the Oval Office. After we are done, I will be proud to release the video, showing all of my fellow Americans that I am hung just like you, and the First Lady's ass really isn't bad for a woman of 45! Come on, you'd do her in a heartbeat!

"I plan to distribute this video across the country while riding in the back of a 1987 Ford Escort. We will be followed by a phalanx of highway repair crews. My wife, in her eternal dedication to the American people, will be going down on me during the entire journey -- and every time I accidentally pop out of her mouth by God, that pothole will be fixed! The roads will roll anew!

"The First Lady will also be in charge of the Penis Fund; she will personally measure every American male member. For those of you less endowed, you will receive a proportional annual government grant! Finally, we can stop all the fighting, war, and strife through financial compensation for insecure men.

"I will legalize abortion nationally, as well as gambling, drugs, and homosexual partnerships. Heath Care will be socialized, and the government wil regulate, well, just about everything in the private sector. No more of this Enron-type nastiness! Our new American motto will be "There's Plenty to Go Around!"

"Beginning next Monday, there will also be a government-funded escort service for anyone who wants to go out and get ripped. Why drink and drive when we have sober call girls and men waiting to take you home for a standardized fee?

"There are many more things I could mention in this speech, but you folks really ought to be out having a good time. Remember, most crimes are now punishable by death, but heck, why commit one? If you need something, just call me at 1-800-ASK THE PRES. This country's got more money than it knows what to do with, so we'll sort you out. Just don't call tonight -- it is White House Orgy Night, and me and the missus have got to go get lubed up.

"God Bless You All, America!"

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