by Tomorrow's Man
A Hyperbolic Reason to Stop Speeding
• There are at least 350,000 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor cruisers in the United States.
• Police cruisers log roughly 50,000 miles each per year.
• For the CVPI Crown Vics alone (not counting motorcycles, off-road vehicles, S.W.A.T Hummers, Paddy Wagons, etc.), that is about 17,500,000,000 miles (17 1/2 billion) miles per year.
• The Crown Vic gets about 15MPG on a good day, not counting when they're chasing the Duke boys over a trestle, etc.
• Per year, just the 350,000 Crown Vics in service use about 1,166,666,667 gallons of gas; or 97,222,222 gallons a month.
(For prespective, those 1,166,666,667 gallons of gas would fill Madison's Lake Wingra.)
• The average cost of a gallon of Gas on August 31, 2004 was about $1.85.
• The average cost of a gallon of Gas for September 2005 is expected to be at least $3.00 per gallon.
• So, for the cops to fuel the Crown Vics next month, just the additional money over last year's cost will be about $111,805,555.59.
• So, about $112 million extra bucks. Per month.
• The average speeding ticket in the United States costs $150.
• That's about 750,000 extra speeding tickets per month, just to cover the change in gas prices from last year.
• There are 235,000 licensed drivers in Wisconsin; and there are about 11,000 cops.
• If our local polizi are responsible for their proportion of the 750,000, that's 15,000 tix. Per month. To cover their portion of the 97mil, about $1,944,444.00. That's a decently hefty $129.00 per extra ticket.
• If you also figure in the $70 million state budget deficit, that's pushing about a 1 in 12 odds per day of winning the honor of paying for 50 of those extra gallons of Cop Gas if you go all zoomy-zoom.
• Try 59.
It is time to get some music playing on the radio - and loudly - when you realize it is 12 days before your 36th birthday and you've just had "Old McDonald" playing in your head for over a half hour...and you don't actually remember driving to work, because all you were focused on was whether or not Ol' Mac's chicken went either "'cluck cluck here' and 'cluck cluck there'" or "'buck buck here' and 'buck buck there,'" which got you thinking about that old Bill Cosby album you loved when you were nine, and then of course there was that commercial for Cadbury Eggs that first came out around 1988 or so with the rabbit sitting on the nest going, "buck buck buck buck buck buck etc...." as it hatched the egg....
....it's then you realize you're at work, you never turned on the CD player, and you even forgot to have a cigarette.
They call this healthy?
Something to Believe In
Today, August 29, is once again the day to think about my lobby to make high diving into a pool of warm marshmallow Fluff an Olympic event. Please show your support here:
www.ohboydoiwanttoseegreglouganisinwarmFluff.com
Thank you.
These are the signs of a shampoo stalker, a right-wing clown-suited wombat in a walker, listen to her wheels as she slides across a ladder, haven't heard a sound like that since the death of Black Adder, someone wants you to listen hear that billy gruff, they left out the goat because goat's are tricky stuff, but they're still sure they know just what you finger's in, the thing they don't know is if it's jelly or it's sin.
This morning I awoke feeling like a softly luminescent, gently undulating tide of the finest T.P., as if I were a near-endless double-ply layer moving with the pull of the moon across the South Atlantic, the North Pacific, and all the seawater in between.
Association Week, #4
Sex toys that I guess could be in a salad after use but even if you wash them it's a little weird; Cucumbers.
Cucumbers; Pickles.
Pickles; Pickle spears.
Pickle spears; The name "Brittany" or however the hell people spell it trying to be cool, all the Brittany, Britteney, Bryttyny, Brütnnie; 8r1774n33, ad nauseum Brittany Spears clones.
The name "Brittany" or however the hell people spell it trying to be cool, all the Bruttenys, Brit-Tennies, Burt 'n Tonys, Burn Ten Knees, Alf, etc., Brittany Spears clones; Some pregnant white-trash chick.
Some pregnant white-trash chick; Jerry Springer's ratings.
Jerry Springer's ratings; In large part steered by low-low to low-high and low-middle class American households.
In large part steered by low-low to low-high and low-middle class American households; The vast majority of trailer parks.
The vast majority of trailer parks; Tornado magnets.
Tornado magnets; Warm moist Gulf air meets cold Canadian air and dry air from the Rockies, although many thunderstorms form under those conditions (near warm fronts, cold fronts and drylines respectively), which never even come close to producing tornadoes; in fact, even when the large-scale environment is extremely favorable for tornadic thunderstorms, as in an SPC "High Risk" outlook, not every thunderstorm spawns a tornado - the most destructive and deadly tornadoes occur from supercells - which are rotating thunderstorms with a well-defined radar circulation called a mesocyclone, which can dictate tornado formation, however recent theories and results from the VORTEX program suggest that once a mesocyclone is underway, tornado development is related to the temperature differences across the edge of downdraft air wrapping around the mesocyclone (the occlusion downdraft), and that mathematical modelling studies of tornado formation also indicates that it can happen without such temperature patterns, but it should be noted that Tornadoes can appear from any direction, most move from southwest to northeast, or west to east, some tornadoes have changed direction amid path, or even backtracked, and some areas of the US tend to have more paths from a specific direction, such as the northwest-flow weather systems in the upper Midwest.
Warm moist Gulf air meets cold Canadian air and dry air from the Rockies, although many thunderstorms form under those conditions (near warm fronts, cold fronts and drylines respectively), which never even come close to producing tornadoes; in fact, even when the large-scale environment is extremely favorable for tornadic thunderstorms, as in an SPC "High Risk" outlook, not every thunderstorm spawns a tornado - the most destructive and deadly tornadoes occur from supercells - which are rotating thunderstorms with a well-defined radar circulation called a mesocyclone, which can dictate tornado formation, however recent theories and results from the VORTEX program suggest that once a mesocyclone is underway, tornado development is related to the temperature differences across the edge of downdraft air wrapping around the mesocyclone (the occlusion downdraft), and that mathematical modelling studies of tornado formation also indicates that it can happen without such temperature patterns, but it should be noted that Tornadoes can appear from any direction, most move from southwest to northeast, or west to east, some tornadoes have changed direction amid path, or even backtracked, and some areas of the US tend to have more paths from a specific direction, such as the northwest-flow weather systems in the upper Midwest; Wisconsin's in the upper Midwest.
Wisconsin's in the upper Midwest; Lots of farmers.
Farmers; Cucumbers.
Cucumbers; salad.
Salad, Other vegetables.
Other vegetables; Carrots.
Carrots; Sex toys that I guess could be in a salad after use but even if you wash them it's a little weird.
Association Week, #3
Potatoes; The Irish.
The Irish; Some kind of long running problem with England.
Some kind of long running problem with England; The Falkland Islands.
The Falkland Islands; I am way too old if I can actually remember the crisis in the Falkland Islands.
I am way too old if I can actually remember the crisis in the Falkland Islands; Damn, that had to have like it the early Eighties or something.
Damn, that had to have like it the early Eighties or something; That was, like, back when all the rock bands had weird-ass hair that if you see them now you know you were absolutely right back then to be thinking 'dang, that hair is SO going to fall out by the time they're 30 what with all the crap they're putting in it to make it stand up like a cat Krazy-glued to a Merry-Go-Round'.
That was, like, back when all the rock bands had weird-ass hair that if you see them now you know you were absolutely right back then to be thinking 'dang, that hair is SO going to fall out by the time they're 30 what with all the crap they're putting in it to make it stand up like a cat Krazy-glued to a Merry-Go-Round'; Well, except for Bono because he had that whole 'lead-singer'of-Berlin' thing, what's her name, oh yeah, Terri Nunn, that dark hair with blonde tips thing going on.
Well, except for Bono because he had that whole 'lead-singer'of-Berlin' thing, what's her name, oh yeah, Terri Nunn, that dark hair with blonde tips thing going on; U2.
U2; "Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World."
"Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World"; The World includes France.
France; French fries.
French fries; Potatoes.
Association Week, #2
Rain; clouds.
Clouds; sky.
Sky; Skyy Vodka.
Skyy Vodka; That night I drank those weird drinks with the grapefruit and a little glob or red something floating in them but really it was mostly just a butt-ton of Skyy voda in a martini glass and I must have had eleven of them.
That night I drank those weird drinks with the grapefruit and a little glob or red something floating in them but really it was mostly just a butt-ton of Skyy voda in a martini glass and I must have had eleven of them, although really I think I had twelve before I blacked out; Emergency Room.
Emergency Room; Death.
Death; Heaven.
Heaven; Whether or not God is actually bowling and that's thunder or whether God doesn't bowl and usually just sits at home watching 'Terms of Endearment' or 'Million Dollar Baby' or something and spends a lot of time crying.
Whether or not God is actually bowling and that's thunder or whether God doesn't bowl and usually just sits at home watching 'Terms of Endearment' or 'Million Dollar Baby' or something and spends a lot of time crying; Rain.
Association Week, #1
Beer; Grain.
Grain; Plants.
Plants; "Day of the Triffids."
"Day of the Triffids"; Really bad but you love them anyway old horror movies.
Really bad but you love them anyway old horror movies; George Romero.
George Romero; Sounds like 'Romano.'
Romano; Provolone.
Provolone; Pizza.
Pizza...Beer.
With the pollen count above 10 and everyone wandering around like extras in a zombie movie about people who poached their brains on too much Nasonex, I wonder why we can't say they're "on the ragweed." It would certainly make contextual sense, it would lessen the impropriety of the originating statement, and of course it would apply to all allergy sufferers, regardless of age, nationality, class, race, religion, or most notably gender, working to grey one more sad barrier between men and women, whether or not they're on the rag.
First is the rumble down the middle, the kind of sound that you don't hear you just cringe from, as if you're a kingpin; this feeling in your teeth, it's the feeling of being center-stage at the local Ten-Pin-O-Rama, and you can feel every 16-pound Brunswick tooling with abandon down the alley.
This feels like bowling, but it isn't bowling.
Second is the clench between your ears, the pop that makes the world go quiet as you're suddenly deaf, a pressure that sucks all of the air in the country into your head. This is the feeling of narrowly missing being hit by lightning, but not escaping the tornado; this is arthritis in the pressure drop before the funnel cloud sucks off your skin.
This feels like a tornado, but this is no tornado.
Third is the rumble, and the clench, and they combine into a crecendo that sends you into one panicked destiny that you feel deep within your guts, driving you headlong. This is the consummation, the revelation, this cacophony as the light blares above your head would seem to be the sound of the Final Trump blowing.
But this is no tornado, or ten-pin strike, or trumpet.
This, this is the morning after Corn Fest.
Corn...far, far too much corn...someone call a kernologist and have this madness removed from my distended middle...quickly, dammit!!
Tonight, I filmed the funnel cloud as it thirsted toward the lake upon which now I live.
Video, true and true, coming soon.
They lied to us about midnight falling in upon itself slightly after the third minute of each morning; I've been watching for a good nine nights now, and I've been awake to feel it, midnight, as it slipped away -- just for that ever-so-brief moment you've all felt during which every rule is broken as it is lifted -- and folded in around itself.
But it is not happening slightly after the third minute of each morning; the bad news is, it's slipping further, and it's slipping longer.
Midnight...is moving.
What gets me, there's numbers in between any other two numbers. Any and all numbers, you got two of them, there's another one in between.
Worse, there's really a whole lot more than one.
This, this is what gets me.
Nothing breeds like numbers.
Was a small cat, he went to market.
Come home with a fish that day.
Small cat put small fish in a bowl.
Small cat crumble a bit of cat food.
Small fish eat, see cat eye's
via fish eyes.
Small cat see small fish live and breathe and eat.
Small cat and small fish, maybe they're not so small,
if you think of it.
If you can't believe this happened, you obviously have already forgotten what happened the day you predicted it would happen yesterday; of course, that day -- not the latter, but the former -- was today, so I have no idea how you reconcile that with your minister or pasta man or whatever it is you call your sticky creamsicle-soaked God.
Conversation With a Friend
TM: "I'm also going to work on a proposal to Pfiser."
Friend: "Pfiser?"
TM: "I think they should package one Cialis and one RU486 each in a heart-shaped, red-plastic/foil package that can be purchased at 24 hour stores, Walgreens, Spencer's Gifts-type places, etc. If they can get it on the market for about $12.95 by Valentine's Day, they'll make a fortune. I'm going to ask for a flat $27,000; I figure they'l be happy for me to sell them this amazing marketing idea, and my karma will be mostly clean in the end. Let them salt Satan's bacon, doesn't bug me none."
F: "HA! An interesting proposal, but if I'm not mistaken, doesn't RU486 have some unpleasant side effects?"
TM: "Doesn't everything? Fine, I'll suggest they also include two Tums. Cherry-flavored, of course."
F: "You're such a humanitarian."
TM: "I think....no, I LIVE - for the People."
TM: "Besides, I need the 27,000 for a satin indoor pool liner. Paisley. Expensive."
F: "Oh, okay."
F: "When you put it that way."
TM: "Well, the liner'll run me about 4Gs; see, I don't have an indoor pool; I'm going to tack it to the ceiling around my studio about one inch out from the walls, then I need the rest of the money to buy various flat screen TVs and flat-panel HiFi speakers to mount behind the liner, at which point I will play each any every one of them continuously on different wavelengths, channels, in-between AM radio stations, and HAM frequency broadcasts. A couple, I'll tap into the S.E.T.I. feed."
F: "The...the S.E.T.I. feed."
TM: "Yep. S.E.T.I. I hacked them. I'm not paying 40 cents a minute roaming for nothing."
The ghost imbibed frequently, thus growing into four times' greater illusion -- frightful, threatening, ghoulish, incredibly fearful.
The ghost, I fled.
I have been trying not to eat animals. Not because I do not want to eat them, or because they do not want to eat me.
Really, it is only because, if we eat all the animals, all that would be left would be humans.
Then what would we eat?
And with the beat in the background saying I've been rumbha-dancing a jangled jig on the head of a vibrator with brand-new pink-bunny batteries ("still going...oh, oh, god, go bunny go!") I spackle my name on this wall again, revamped and vamped in Indian cotton, shuttering smiles faster than a Land Camera, I'm back and shaking your hand, even though I've won my own mirror election.
"Hi there."