Courtney Loves My Cats, pt. I

Got two cats, Pixel and Loretta. At seven P.M. it’s time for treats. One of them cries like a banshee for them, and the other sits and quivers with anticipation.

Look at you two. Pixel, shut the hell up! Christ, you cry for treats like a crackwhore desperate for a spoon. And Loretta’s sitting there licking his lips and shaking for it. Damn, combined, my cats are Courtney Love.

Well, what the hell would come about from that, I wonder. Courtney Love dies in any one of the numerous ways we’ve all imagined over the years: Protecting a black youth from a KKK Faggot-Nigger-Kill-Team; wasting away from Hansen’s Disease that she contracted while serving with the Peace Corps at the Tandong Leper Colony; being drowned to death trying to breathe the life back into the last remaining Dugong (it lived); or quietly slipping away one night just after her evening prayers, her hands held by the weeping members of her Chapter of the Red Hat Society.

Subsequently, we discover not only that she was a Hindu, but that the Hindus were right – well, mostly right. She is reincarnated – inexplicably – into the bodies of my two cats, Pixel and Loretta. (Instead of a subtle changing of souls I imagine it would occur much like the agents in the Matrix and the way they took over human forms; that, or she would just pop in there and start talking and my cat’s souls would flee to the Gates of the great Scoop in the Sky).

Pixel (for the sake of stirring some cream into this transcripted colloquial java of suspended disbelief) gets her Yin and obtains her rock-out-with-her-scaryparts-out attitude, her confidence, and her penchant for sounding like a dentist’s drill mowing through the bones in your left wrist every time she opens her mouth. (I imagine the title of the porn starring Courtney Love and Fran Drescher being changed from “Love, Thy Nanny” to “Styrofoam Rubbing Against Styrofoam.”)

Loretta – all black with a few grays, and so decidedly Yang – inherits CL's quiet side, her morphine addict side; the exquisite ‘heroin dilettante’ stare of her bright, swimmy eyes; the impressive actress-side of her that floated in the tub dead of AIDS in “The People Vs. Larry Flint” that caused a nation to sigh deeply and react to her performance with, “That poor girl, that’s about what I figured would happen."

[Pause]

"Oh, wait, she was ‘acting’?”

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