by Tomorrow's Man
"This medication may cause your urine to turn green-black in color. This harmless effect is temporary and will disappear when the medication is stopped."
Ain't gonna tell ya which medication, 'cos Ahm guessin' those of you that'ud need to know, know.
In a fit of spring cleaning due to temps in the sixties, you clean out your fridge -- and despite throwing away a minimum of ten different over-molded cheeses [bags of shredded mozarella that appear to have morphed into Martian Elvis wigs, the last three cheese curds saved for a bad day then never eaten, bleu cheese that's gone all "bleu"], you still have to sort and arrange -- without exaggeration here -- exactly thirty different permutations, iterations, containers, baggies, samples, sizes, and species of cheese.
Thirty.
Call me crazy, but I think it would be adorable to have been a lecherous felcher named Fletcher Thatcher who made arrows for a living.
Dear Canada,
I have finished my marketing analysis for your project to revamp the country's image this Summer, and I am happy to report that I have got great news for you!
After several months of extensive global research, I have discovered a fact that will singlehandedly change the global view of your country from that of a vast, frozen wasteland with a few cities full of 'hosers,' some of them 'French,' to a tourist paradise.
The fact is this: New Foundland is your untapped resource, and it will cost you barely a thing to implement my suggestion. The world over, New Foundland is known to no longer be "New." Oh, the appelation was all well and good in 1497, but let's face it, it is 2006 and it's just starting to look a little desperate (see my 2003 report to Massachusetts, entitled "Drop the New and Those Other Five States Will Look Lame"). So first off, let's change the name to "Foundland."
Next step is pronunciation. As even those with Canadian accents know, not a soul breathing pronounces the name "Found"land to rhyme with "Sound," but rather to rhyme with "Sun."
Yes, by now you understand my exquisite revelation: The "Found" -- to match the pronunciation -- should of course be revised to "Fun." And what've you got then? You've got an entire province of your country called
FUNLAND!
My fee, with travel and expenses, comes to $472,531.21 Canadian.
Cheers,
Caesar Should Have Stayed a Dressing
All day I've had this feeling that something I thought was just the first day of Spring was the powderkeg and the catalyst, Schroedinger's other cat scratching to get in, Ouroboros eating some infinity off of my moebius coffee table and throwing it up on the rug, maybe, could she,
where's that cat scratching???
It must be Spring, there's somewhen at the door and it smells like Ostara's wearing lilac again, yum
yum
yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
60MPH + Good Brakes + Deer, Pausing, Then, As I Freaking Expected, Running Into Highway = My Legs Like Rubber and I Start Smoking Again.
Three Criteria I
I was born with eleven toes, like 1 in about 1,000 others.
I was born a redhead, like about 1 in 40 others.
And I am a Christian, like about 1 in 3 others.
Are you like me out there?
There's no greater love than a beer drinker and his Guinness
for it's a brew as important to the man
as to the fish his fin-s
And though the masses flurry by in textiles of Kelly green
There's one thing to remember about
All the wheres you've been:
When you've got a friend at one hand and a dark pint in t'other,
The pint's your everlasting lover
and the other's your brother.
Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!
I spent 11 straight hours watching Sesametaphysics Street and the Eclectric Company, and now I'm convinced superior alien number 8s are trying to communicate with me using the duodecimal system.
I am in favor of educational programming. I also think we need more frogs doing fractions.
cirrus clouds
baking bread
silicone breasts
Appalacian foothills
The Hindenberg
menstruation
Mud huts
parabolas
half a grapefruit
pogs
and a full whoopie cushion.
Today, I feel happy puffy.
Today is ending with the echoing crecendo of a Coca Cola sunrise that simply wandered amongst the trees and buildings and watchtowers all this livelong day, surely finding its echoey way into most peals of laughter that then themselves begat wee echoey titters and some bullishly ghosty guffaws that pranced and cavorted from about ten til nine with zero intention of giving in to the chill of night, or sleep.
This is what the item name says on the receipt from Wal*Mart if you purchase Steel-toed safety boots:
"Iron Tough"
My poor, wee head. Obviously, the brand name of the boots is Iron Tough. But I read "Tough" not as rhyming with "Rough," but with "Dough."
So, to me, it sounded in my wee head like
"Iron Toe."
Which is a good name for a pair of
(.head.go.splodey.)
They really need to do something, the marketing departments of the Hughes and Traurige Kühe Dairy farms. The packaging is too similar; both half-and-half products come in orange and white fluted bottles, same height, same design.
I get the Hughes usually, because I truly love cream in my coffee. But I was tired this week, and accidentally picked up the Traurige Kühe half-pint bottle instead of the Hughes; as we know, the Traurige Kühe is homogenized, pasteurized, and weltschmerzed.
I did not even notice until this morning on the way into work. I was driving around a bend in Route 18, and was about half-way through my second cup of coffee when I peered out across a long, low cropfield in the milky fog, noticing for the first time the faintest shade, almost a shadow, of a bourgeoning greenness that has just begun to fleck the fields. Aloud I cried, "Such a green as this can only bespeak of the impetuous abandon with which the buds of nature pose and posture with no heed nor respect for the gruel of winter's dominion, nor do they admire and cultivate their potential for greater good via a sincere will to power, via proud suffering and hypogean fortitude. Such are these buds of hedony; so cocky to be and let be germed in such a March as this. Regrettable."
Despite this, I may try Traurige Kühe's new Schadenfreude Grueyere, which is wheeled and aged in the last remaining barn of the Erobert Wetteifert Dairy (which TK bought out when the Wetteifert Cheddar Tranchant avec les Raisins Aigres met to a miserable reception and folded the company).
Then again, why aspire to taste a cheese with days of so much grey amassed above the green?
Sigh.
10 hours sleep in three days
Thinking of sex as chemicals again
Caffeine burns in my throat even when it's iced
Hungry hungry hungry, burning fuel like I'm trying to enter the atmosphere
Light is quixotically harder and softer, a sure sign
There's a Burroughsian gegenschein following me around to my right, with an ironic counterglow in the peripheral vision to my left
and
I've never felt better, better,
I never feel as good as I do when these juices get flowing and I lick the frozen spine of Springtime and wake up wake up
wake her up.
My psychologist has determined that my insomnia is being caused by the fact that my zeitgeber is a piece of toast with peanut butter that I ate when I was seven years old; but it wasn't crunchy peanut butter.
It wasn't crunchy.
I had to derogate myself today, just to eat an entire tofurkey. Why, I ask, why? No man should be made to wear real feathers when eating a soybird.......
I'm sure you've all heard the story by now, it's all over the news: All I set out to do was get some mayonnaise for my hot dog, and I end up landing the Space Shuttle.
Waddaya know.
tq.tx.ti
tax.thu.stee
tx.tq.te
tech.his.tea
te.xq.te
deq.wish.t
tu.qks.ty
tqx.te
ti.quisht.e
tx.tist.y.@.ash.no.wuv.vh.otr.ph.lye.sd.aught.km
I have never been compared to the dewey Emperor penguins of yore, oh so dewey, and personally I think you are all underestimating me.