June 2, 2006

Dear Fartkey Real Estate,

I found your listing online for a home being sold "As Is." As I am new to real estate, I understand there is a short list of standard 'complications' that would cause a home owner to sell "As Is." I have compiled a list, and would appreciate your disclosure as to which of these is the reason for this stipulation before I make an offer:

• Large mutant vampire bat colony in attic
• Shingles made of human skin
• Once owned by Hitler
• Pink walls
• Husband died 17 years ago, but farts still lingering
• Built by Pinko Commies
• Two floors, one roof, no ceilings
• Has been hit by ligntning 43 times. Since March.
• May have neighbors buried in yard
• When drunk, Paris Hilton thinks it is her parent's mansion
• One word: Bees
• Water in basement
• Gremlins in basement
• Actually, both in basement
• Every room adorned with simply delicious faux-nutmeg wainscoting

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Mr. Tom Man

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