A Day in the Lyfe

4PM: Begin to clean

5PM: Notice that despite grueling hours spent scrubbing and sweating, stink seems to be getting worse. Actually feel nauseous.

5:15:10PM: Move small pushcart to clean hallway rug.

5:15:11-5:15:17PM: Choke -- quite literally -- on the cloud of fruit flies that swarms up as the cart moves. Not only inhale scores of insects, but feel the panic rise as they get in eyes, nose, and ears.

5:17:31PM: Move George Foreman Grill off of second shelf of cart.

5:17:42PM: Vomit onto feet, sandals, floor.

5:17:51PM: Stumble out of house. Realize that as the grill was moved, it ripped the dark brown skin of something behind it that had glued to the grill's feet; moving the grill tore the outer skin of the mass. The dark brown skin would later prove to be that of a viscous foundation of decay leaked and congealed from an unquestionably old bag of potatoes. Not only did the bag no longer contained anything solid, but the plastic itself had fallen victim to some decomposition caused by two weeks of 90-100 percent humidity, 80-degree heat, and hundreds of fruit flies and their by-blows.

5:19:01PM: Re-enter house. Force gorge not to rise, as stench of humid rot and decay has permeated the house. Become light-headed from short breaths through the mouth.

5:19:02PM: Feel greyish panic as hackles rise; calm down with knowledge that it isn't an actual threat, but an innate reaction to what is without question the dreadful, dangerous warning stench of death.

5:21PM: Spray until saturated all appliances, cups, utensils, etc., on cart, effectively wiping out thousands of lives. Watch alarming, surreal dynamic as the hundreds of airborne fruit flies -- panicked, but comparatively unprepared -- fly toward their birthing ground, into the spray of exterminant, and fall in pixelated sheets to the floor.

5:27PM: With long-handled mop, attempt to scrub cart shelf. Realize that the wood of the shelf is saturated with the viscous rot. Realize scrubbing is the ultimate in futility, and decide to relagate cart to garage.

5:28PM-5:34PM: Move cart; spill thick brown fluid onto floor and foot; vomit bile into mouth; get cart outside; stop to hose off foot; shove cart into back of garage; re-enter house to fumigate

5:35PM-6:34PM: Drink much beer. Shower. Shiver. Shake.

6:35PM - 7:04PM: Jot this heinous tale.

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