by Tomorrow's Man
I didn't miss you, not even a little bit.
If I never saw you again, I would have been just fine; in fact, all of my friends agree, we're seldom happy when we're stuck with you.
Why can't you just leave us alone, bring your drama somewhere else?
It has gotten to the point where how pretty you are has little bearing on how we feel about you; frankly, beauty aside, you're really just an ugly, ugly encounter.
Go away. Please.
Every single freezing flake of you.
Ten New Features in Office 2007
As you know, Microsoft Office is coming out soon; what you may not know about is the new right-click context menu associated with everyone's favorite Office Assistant animation, Clippy. Instead of having just the option to 'animate!' Clippy, users will now be able to...
"...melt down Clippy in a pool of lava!
"...see what Clippy looks like getting raped by a Priest!"
"...poke your boss in the eye with Clippy!" [Requires a .gif of your boss]
" ...have Clippy show you how to use him to clean a bong!"
"...see how to use Clippy to perform an abortion!"
"...Clippy plus new Office Assistant "Cottony the Cotton Ball" work with G00gle Maps to show where to find the best Heroin!"
"...make Clippy and his family into a sordid, incestual daisy chain that really annoys your coworkers when they only need one paper clip!
"...how to put Clippy in your nose in just the right way to forget math!"
"...watch Clippy leap out of the screen and turn your life into an Amercanized cookie-cutter, pedantic revision of a truly scary Takashi Shimizu movie. BONUS FEATURE in OFFICE 2007: Purchase before February, 1, 2007, and you get to play the simplistic, two-dimensional lead role of...Sarah Michelle Gellar!
and lastly,
"...watch Clippy dance on his own grave, because he's not in Office 2007! YAAAAY!"
I, for one, can barely contain my dancing to within my own skin.
co-entry rispek to D.A.S.
Q: Knock Knock.
A: Whose there?
Q: It's "who's," not "whose."
A: Huh? Whatever. Fine. So "who's" there?
Q: Webster.
A: Webster who?
Q: I'm going to beat you with my dictionary.
A: I don't get --
.
Q: What do the 2006 Afrikaaner soccer championship team the "Sklak Sprunts," an albino salamander found in Doanld Trump's golf bag, conjoined Shoshoni pole-dancing deaf-mutes, and a large banana that curves to the left all have in common?
(Answer below.)
A: They all have syphilis.
Q: What did the lumberjack with the wooden leg do on Arbor Day?
A: He ate a puppy.
By the November name of all that is corduroy in the world, why do these weasels chew upon me so blithely so?! Blithely, I tell you!
Lo, such a blithe, weasel-chewed fate.
there's beauty and there's beauty.
he or she it just strikes you like a plank of love across the attention span, boom, a two-by-four of rapture leaving you with trickly red happy splinters, boom, and the nose, the weight, the voice, the politics, the height, the age, these stop being the matter.
boom - there's a belly
boom - there's a nose
boom - there's psoriasis and halitosis and sometimes even the clap, and it rides like the azimuth of a golden liquid dawn right over you, because...who cares? not you.
as far as humans go, there's beauty, and there's beautiful, and you're only seeing the latter.
Midterm elections; ho hum, usually. This year, we voted in droves to try to get a single ripple to move across what has become a viscous political gruel, a pond broth filling the melting pot in which not just the top layer is scum.
So, how did we do? What did we do?
We did okay, but in the sense that we're not dead, but only paralyzed from the neck down. Sad, sure; but there's some glimmers; we may have twitched our left big toe:
In Arizona, they voted to make English the Official Language -- sounds odd, eh? Sounds like a gimmie. But it was more sinister than that: In a state where about 27% of the population is native Hispanic, this vote will cut funding of bi-lingual printed materials. Creepily, the margin was 74% to 26%, or almost exactly the margin of the population to Hispanics.
GLIMMER: As of the last count, Arizona was NOT banning same-sex marriage by a 32,000 vote margin; if it stands, Arizona would be the only state to uphold the same sex marriage referendum. (Of course, if both gays in the couple are Hispanic-speaking only, they may not know it's legal 'cos they won't be able to read about it.)
In California, they voted against funding for alternative fuels; well, sure, hippies all ride bikes.
In Colorado, they banned same sex marriage, domestic parnerships, and legal marijuana. Since Hunter S. Thompson died, the state's gone right into the crapper.
In Idaho, they banned same sex marriage, but they did make it legal to shove a potato up your different-gendered lover's ass. Baby steps, people; baby steps.
GLIMMER: In Missouri -- no kidding -- the vote is neck and neck on allowing stem cell research. Thank you, Captain Asshat, Rush Limbaugh, for picking on Missouri's hero, Marty McFly.
In Nevada, they voted against legal marijuana, but you can still have legal unprotected sex with as many whores as you can get it up for in a weekend.
GLIMMER: Our liberal earthy-crunchies in Oregon voted against forcing teen girls to report abortions to their parents before having one. Duh.
In South Carolina, they overwhelmingly voted against same sex marriage. GLIMMER: They may have also seceded from the Union again, but this time no one cared.
WARNING GLIMMER: Though South Dakota banned gay marriage and medical marijuana, they did not overturn Roe v. Wade; but, face it, the fact that it was on the ballot means women should exodus the state immediately.
In Tennessee, same sex marriage was romped into extinction; GLIMMER: Unless it is marriage to a same sex 1st relative, then it is considered "keepin' the jeanetics of the fambly pure 'nuff."
I said a week ago that in Wisconsin, if gay marriage was banned, the death penalty would be brought back. I'd like my cookie now, please. Though, again, it wasn't hard to predict that fear and ignorace would flock together. GLIMMER: Dane County still rocks the state's socks; that one blue box on the big red glove is a ripple.
So yes, same-sex marriage was trounced, but really, is anyone surprised? We're a country that still thinks guns keep peace, the Iraqi War is self-defense, and control gives us freedom. Is it any shock we'd use politics to help make a religious decision?
At least we now have a female speaker of the house, paving the way for Hilary Clinton to lose in the Presidential race in '08. Why will she lose? Because, boy-o, if you thought the Good Ol' Boy Republicans were willing to put the fix in against Al Bore -- who was running with Tipper and Joe Lieberman, two of the most right-wing Dems ever to try to ban music for corrupting their spoiled rotten brats -- then you'd better believe they won't dawdle when Hilary throws her hat in. They'll have photoshopped copies of Hilary on the cover of Crack Whore magazine in circulation before Bill can pop his Viagra. Still, this is a ripple.
Also, with a small bit of pride here, my home state of Massachusetts elected its first ever black governor. For this still xenophobic, racist, fearful country -- and especially for all the lunkheads in Southie who still consider gay bashing and cross burning aerobic exercise -- this is a ripple.
We're still drowning in the thick, nasty stew that's filled the melting pot that is America for the last half-decade, folks; but look up there, through the chunks and globs and viscera...look, up there, through the murk, at the surface...
...I see a ripple.
In an effort to save money during this coming lean winter, I decided to go against my faith and cut my toenails for the first time since I was reborn in April, 2003.
I'm not sure what Jesus will think, but I had to do something -- my budget for socks had grown dangerously low.
I'm sorry, Jesus.
there's beauty, then there's beauty.
he, or she, just strikes you like a plank of love across the attention span. boom, the nose, the weight, the voice doesn't matter.
boom - there's a belly, there's a nose, there's psoriasis and halitosis and sometimes even the clap, and it rides like the azimuth of a golden liquid dawn right over you, because...who cares?
as far as humans go, there's beauty, and there's beautiful.
there's beauty, then there's beauty.
he, or she, just strikes you like a plank of love across the attention span. boom, the nose, the weight, the voice doesn't matter.
boom - there's a belly, there's a nose, there's psoriasis and halitosis and sometimes even the clap, and it rides like the azimuth of a golden liquid dawn right over you, because...who cares?
as far as humans go, there's beauty, and there's beautiful.